29 September, 2006

Am I being restless..

People still laughing, flowers still blooming, exam still approaching. Why can't they see the grief in our eyes? Why can't they understand how we feel? Doesn't anybody care? We always think that everyone is calloused in our matters. Nope, they aren't. They are just not involved in our grief.

My mood turned to devastation. Feeling numb and speechless, I spoke a few words to him and leave. Stepping out of the ICU, I questioned myself "What am I doing? What went wrong to me?" I've been practicing what I wanna tell him since a few days ago but I can't remember a word when I saw him. What was I doing?

A tube was drained to his brain, the crack was obvious. He was wheezing and gasping for breath, his zest for life. His eyes were widely open and he tried to talk. The monitor beside him was beating rapidly, as he was searching for light in the foggy world. Living in a tortuous world, he cried in silence.

Dear Friend,
How are you now? I'm really sorry. I have a lot to tell you but I don't know why everything went wrong today, I don't know what happened to me. I was shattering inside out and the pain is ripping me apart. You must stay strong and be a tough person okay. Don't be afraid of the dark because we'll lighten your way. We'll ache, we'll cry and we'll pray for you. Please stay strong..

I don't rattle off a list of tears, sad feelings, and grievances these days. By saying that I'm fine, I can deal with all these more easily. (All these are lies) I tried to be cheerful as always, but no avail. The mask I'm wearing now is fading away..

posted by -Val- on Friday, September 29, 2006  
1 Thought(s)

23 September, 2006

The Waiting

The stale smell of the medicine, the grief spirit daunted the ICU room. I handed the bottle of blessings to his dad. I'm really sorry because I'm not good in making those but I tried my very best. Dear friend, I really hope that this bottle of blessings could make you feel better.

I comforted everyone to stay strong and smile (like me!) but actually I was the one holding the tears inside.I cried the most, I was the worst among all. I'm not as strong as you guys thought, I'm just a human being..

Clutching his hand I spoke to him, holding the tears behind the words. He held my hand tightly and tried to talk with the tube. His eyes was watery filled and he tried to open his eyes. I was touched. My eyes were welled with tears and I choked up. I did not wanna let him to hear my weeps..

Hey dear friend,
To lose a good friend like you is something that I couldn't bare. Throughout the years we have been fighting and bullying each other. Remember that u used to bully me? I dun mind to let u bully, but u must wake up and bully me again okie? You must stay strong! It must be an ordeal experience for you but don't fret okay, everyone will be there for you. Please don't give up cuz this is not the end of the play, u still have a long way to go. We will pray for you, we'll support you always. We hope to see you talk, smile, laugh, jump when we visit you next time. We hope that it won't be in ICU, we hope that it'll be in your house! We'll party over your houz..okay?

Some said I looked different these days, some said that I didn't talk much these days. (Izzit?) I'm sorry, maybe I'm just a crying baby. Please forgive me becuz I mengamuk again. Each of my friend represent different world to me, you guys are the most precious assets I could have. I'd cry for anyone, each of my friends. Sometime I wonder, why not me? The most grieved feeling is to see people we cared suffer great pain. We'd ask, why not us? Why?

posted by -Val- on Saturday, September 23, 2006  
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20 September, 2006

Heartrending

I was paralyzed. It enveloped me for the whole day today and I was no longer in mood fer exams anymore, as today we had History paper. The duration was too long for a paper 2 and everyone was sleeping in da class. When it was about noon, the sun was hanging there up in da sky and the rays beat heavily on me. After crapping the sheets, I sat there and began to crap something in my mind.

Where is PEACE? All these seem to be the daily occurrences. Why is that the rascals could scoot off like a tortoise while the victims suffer a great loss? Where is the justice, lying behind the occurred tragedy? The spate of these tragedies had taken place in our world recently, what on earth is going on? First the TAR college student, and now another one? The fella, being heartless at all. Hey if u want money then just take money and leave larr. What did u want from him? Don't tell me that u're a gay. (Euwkz!)

My senior suffered catastrophe, being seized and he currently is in hospital suffering injuries and being unconscious. It was printed in da newspaper. I heard from one of my friend that the injury is critical. It's really heartrending. Feel really sad right now. I'll pay him a visit soon..

Hey, muz stay strong okay. I'll pray for u..pls stay strong! Remember u promised to give me pocket money? I still haven't receive any of them. Remember okay..remember must stay strong!

posted by -Val- on Wednesday, September 20, 2006  
1 Thought(s)

17 September, 2006

Add Maths

I hardly ate anything these days..no appetite. Are these the symptoms sick of exam? Ha..maybe? Tomorrow will be a time of woe for me, I'm dead! I don't know if I can can score a 3B like last time..I have no confidence at all. Hiazz~!

I feel really sorry because of this subject. I toubled a lot of people..feel so sorry. Now I think I'm not going to count on Cikgu Venn anymore because it seems like there's a big gap between us. (Izzit?) Dunno lerr but I dun feel like calling him anymore..but somehow I still believe in him. He is a good teacher.

Hiazz..I'm sorry Sir Govind. Forgive me if i can't score well in addmaths tomorrow. Sir Govind has been expecting *something* from me. Last time I told him..

"Cikgu, saya dapat 3B dalam Add Maths..."
"What? 3B aje? Should be more than that cuz u are taking both classes"
"Tapi cikgu..."
"Tak ape, we still have time. We will work of sumthin.."

I'm afraid. My senses told me that I'm going to drown this time. Cikgu Venn, maafkan Wan. Sebenarnya latihan cikgu bagi kat seminar hari tu, Wan dah habis buat. Tengah fikir, nak bagi Cikgu semak ke tak? (Lepas tu fikir lagi, Cikgu kan sibuk) Tak apelah, Wan tak nak kacau Cikgu, Cikgu dah banyak tolong Wan. Terima Kasih.. Um, yep forgot something. Thx fer da cd, I'll make full use of it.

Everyone out there, wish ya all all the best tomorrow. May God bless everyone out there..

posted by -Val- on Sunday, September 17, 2006  
1 Thought(s)

16 September, 2006

The Guilt

Cradling a diminutive cup of coffee
Advertently she let a snooze escape
Darkness upon the room
Merely the grief could tear her apart

The whiff of coffee
Tangles of confusions
The uncapped thoughts
Confession and guilt creep upon her

The guilt
The confession
The delinquency
Echoed her inner turmoil

Falling in the sin
Engrossed with the guilt all alone
Tearing apart with an aching heart

posted by -Val- on Saturday, September 16, 2006  
0 Thought(s)

15 September, 2006

Week 1

Puff!I pulled through the first week...how exhausting! I don't know what I did this week. Blurr~! Today we had English. Hiaz..I hardly read anything. (Why nobody believes in me?) Really lerr! I got tips but not quite accurate lor! Only the "bear" and the money thing came out. =P Having or without tips, still the same. Hiazz..I didn't use the so known as TIPS very well. (Dummy gal!)

The subject of my fear the most is English. (Dun believe? Haha..nobody believe me when I tell about this) Um..how to say arr? When we were certified by the others that we'll score high marks in exam because we did so in the previous one, in other words people having high expectation on us, the feeling is so terrible! Terrible! It's like u are the champion of a certain competition and u must maintain ur record because other people expecting good stuff from u. To make this easy, it's like the World Cup lor. People had been expecting Brazil to win the World Cup but did they? My feeling is like this lorr..

Am I being "kiasu"? (Scare of lose?) I don't know and don't understand err, why human beings are so competitive? A bit also want to compare. Less or more marks will kill someone meh..haiyoo. Being competitive MAY make us feel better but it NEVER make the others happy. Eh back to the topic, exam. Gone too far ledi..

Being a trouble-maker, I am just a good for nothing gal. I feel like being a bad person right now. What is going on to me? I don't know, if I'm that kind of person. I regret for what I did..I'm really sorry. I feel so terrible right now. I'm so so sorry...forgive me. On the other hand, I don't know what lays behind the mask. I feel really dissapointed of the person being perfunctory.

Is this what they call the dignity of a person?

posted by -Val- on Friday, September 15, 2006  
1 Thought(s)

14 September, 2006

Cikgu sakit..

Hari ni..masih tak dapat jumpa Cikgu Suzana. Aku dengar dia sakit..sakit tekak. Tak dapat cakap..jadi tak datang. Aku rindu kat cikgu..ade banyak nak beritau cikgu. Pasal exam..pasal banyak perkara!! Macam mane ni, aku terase nak kirim salam kepada cikgu. Moga cikgu sihat selalu..moga diberkati Tuhan selalu.

"Adik kecil" dan Tin, aku tak rase sedap hati pasal semalam. Sampai sekarang aku terase nak ngangis. Tapi Wan dah berusaha..nak buat macam mana. Sememang semuanya salah aku..

Tin, aku ade fikir, kalau abang saya pergi luar negara study, mungkin juga aku akan ngangis. (Ya ke?) Entahlah..Mungkin kot? Haha..tahun depan aku akan alami perasaan macam tu. (Ade sesiapa akan ngangis demiku?) Semua orang tepuk tangan aje..tahniah sini situ. Sebenarnya akulah orang yang ngangis.

Wan rase sedih..macam mane nak menebus dosaku? Esok exam BI, aku tak sentuh ape-ape. Biar Tuhan tentukan nasibku...

posted by -Val- on Thursday, September 14, 2006  
0 Thought(s)

13 September, 2006

Tersengal..

Cikgu dah masuk kelas
Aku terjaga daripada lamunanku
Aku tersengal-sengal kat situ
Dengan asyiknya cikgu tanya pasal aku,"YOU okay ke?"
Cikgu terase pasal aku..
Slumberaku jawab cikgu
Aku dah hampir nangis..

Kali ni salah aku ke?
Aku tak berniat buat macam tu
Aku terpana seketika..
Aku dah berusaha
Aku dah tak larat lagi..
Aku dah...

Kali ni kali terakhir
Sememangnya aku dah berusaha
Kehibaan terpalit di hatiku

Aku mengalamun
Gundah dalam hatiku..
Dosaku..

posted by -Val- on Wednesday, September 13, 2006  
0 Thought(s)

10 September, 2006

Trial

Where's the gloomy feeling? Why is that everyone is busy studying but me? Why I'm so..slumber?! What is wrong with me arr..I can't feel the tense of the exam at all. Being slumber all the time, god! Hey this is trial, TRIAL! Geez, can someone just give me a black eye so that I can "feel" the exam feeling? I'm so blurr right now..

The second subject, Chinese is just around the corner. Hiazz..Chinese, Chinese! Hate 'em!

posted by -Val- on Sunday, September 10, 2006  
0 Thought(s)

06 September, 2006

My Fault?

"Some people come into our lives and leave footprint on our hearts and we are never the same" Recently I had a experience that narrates to that notable quote. Yep! I'm never feel the same anymore...

Forgive me for what I crap in this post..I'm really hurt and sad.. I don't wanna be a notty gal..but I was forced to do so. I feel really bad about myself these days..I'm so so hurt.

"Go tuition for what larr..exam stil so terrible!See? Waste money only! Go tuition for what? No use de larr..stop tuition lar!"
"Ur teacher good meh? U stil dun hav improve.."
"Our teacher very good de..unlike yours"
"Ur Tuition Centre so charr, u go there no use de larr."
"U go tuition JUST FOR TIPS marr not meh..why want go there if they don't give u tips? Why u go tution?"
"U will sure regret going to ur tuition centre because so charr!"
"SPM dat day u will sure cry because u don't joined us!"

My degree of agitation was on the rise and I feel really hurt. I don't mean to be a bad person stabbing someone's back but this is way too much lorr. How could u say about my tuition centre? U don't even know a thing about it! Don't u dare critic my teachers I respected when u don't even know about them! I don't mind if u say that I'm stupid but don't u dare talk about my teachers like dat! How will u feel if I critic ur teachers? How will u feel if I say that ur tuition centre is lame? Hey this is not the correct way to persuade me to join ur tuition centre lorr. This is very rude..very rude..

Should I blog about this? I don't know...I know I'm a bad person posting a post like this. I hate myself for being a bad person..

Sometime when we reduce things to stimulus and response, we can easily forget that there are human feelings, thoughts and cognitions.

posted by -Val- on Wednesday, September 06, 2006  
1 Thought(s)

03 September, 2006

My 2nd blog!

Finally after adjusting some "technical problem" in friendster, SUCCEED! Hehe..=P I'm going to blog both of Friendster and Blogspot from now on. I don't know how to maintain 2 blogs but I'll try lorr. Having headache cuz learning how to use the Friendster thing. Hmm..I'll delete all the Chinese post in this blog because they caused a lot of problems. The IE and Firefox problem.

I'll blog in Chinese in the second blog because..I don't wanna be a banana. I'm afraid that I'll forget about everything about Chinese after SPM. (Lame excuse lah!) Haha..really lerr. My Chinese sucks but I hope that I can maintain my level. Although it's Sendirian Berhad (Taw Yang fav!) but I'm a Chinese so must learn lorr..hehe..=P

The second reason is because..ha..don't want to tell first la..after SPM first. Hehe..=P

posted by -Val- on Sunday, September 03, 2006  
0 Thought(s)

A Question..

Bank Negara Malaysia diketuai oleh seorang gabenor. Siapakah Gabenor Bank Negara Malaysia ke-7?
A. Tan Sri Dato' Dr.Zeti Akhtar Aziz
B. Tan Sri Dato' Hashim Ibrahim
C. Tan Sri Dato' Mad Nor Ahmad
D. Dato' Seri Dr. Daim Zainuddin

This is a question from the past year question book (Cerdik Publications). Who are these four..um..fella? Haiyoo why this question so hard one..I'm going to die arr if SPM is like this. Who are they anyway? Is there anything to do with us? What for want to know them lerr because we are not studying history.

Hiazz! Now I understand why people said that it's hard to obtain an "A" in SPM. Aiyo pls arr..don't ask this question in SPM or I'll die..

posted by -Val- on Sunday, September 03, 2006  
0 Thought(s)

Arghh...

Argh..I has been indicated that I'm underage and must obtain the consent of my parent in order to register a blog. Stupid friendster! (I'm underage? What did ya mean?) Argh..I've been trying this since last year.

I'm having a HUGE problem with my blog here. The IE and Firefox problem is driving me crazy! I'm tired of the codes already lerr. Then I registered fer another blog in Wretch but the function is too complicated until I don't know how to adjust the codes. Hiazzz..stupid gal.

I wanna blog in Chinese since..a long time ago. Why is that everyone could blog in chinese but me? Why? I know that I'm stupid but this is not fair lorr. The templates..the codes, all in a mess! I'm tired of all these...

posted by -Val- on Sunday, September 03, 2006  
2 Thought(s)

02 September, 2006

The nail

Once there was a little boy who had a very bad temper. One day, his dad gave him a bag of nails and told him to hammer a nail in the fence behind their houz every time he lost his temper.

The following day, the boy drove 38 nails into the fence. But day after day the number of the nails he hammered gradually decreased. The boy soon realized that it was easier to hold back his temper than to drive those nails. Finally the day came when he didn't hammer any nail to the fence. His dad then told him to pull out one nail for each day that he was able to control his temper.

Days passed and the boy was finally able to declare that all the nails had been pulled out. His dad then led him to the fence and said: "My Boy, you've done well. But look at the holes in the fence. The same thing happens to human being. It doesn't matter how many time you say sorry; the wounds you cause will leave scars on the person you hit out against."

posted by -Val- on Saturday, September 02, 2006  
0 Thought(s)